Lost in an obsession

All of my life I wanted to be something other than myself, always lost in desiring what others had and not at all content with my traits, skills, and abilities I had to offer. I was corrupted by the overwhelming sea of thoughts that flooded my mind. I was always paralyzed in the fear of not being "enough" pretty, smart, funny, talkative, strong, and yeah... you get the picture. So you may ask yourself: why is this lady rambling about all this on the internet for random strangers to see?

First and foremost, if you have ever felt the way, I've felt most of my life. There is a way out of this pure hell of being trapped inside incessant and intrusive thoughts of beating yourself up for your mistakes of the past and freaking out about the past repeating itself. Or the absolute draining feeling that you have to put on an act and morph yourself into how you think others want you to act. Or the constant pressure of being "perfect" and "maybe if I'm perfect and I try really freakin' hard I won't fail". Or oh, crap I that was really dumb. I hope no one noticed... The way out is to: remember your innate power. You are worthy special and placed on this Earth for a reason, or you wouldn't be here. You are enough. You are pure magic. You are gorgeous. There is 7.8 billion people out on this Earth and there is only one of you. How freakin' cool is that?

After one failed relationship after the next, I truly had to ask myself what is the common dominator in all of these relationships? Hmmm... I'll let you take a guess at it... Oh yeah, me.

The accountability pill is the hardest pill to swallow. Honestly it's easier to play the victim and/or the judge and take absolutely no blame, right? But.. I aspire to the be best version of me so taking accountability for my actions and the role I played in these relationships is a part of it. I starting to come to the realization that relationships of any kind romantic, platonic, and familial all allow us to expand our conscious awareness. They reflect back to us a direct reflection of who we are being because the people around us are simply just mirrors to our internal mindset. I started to see the perspectives of all the men I have dated.

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All of the men I've dated are completely different human beings with different unique intricates that make them attractive in their own ways, but in some crazy fashion I was attracting the same type of man in each one of these men. Am I cursed? Or do I just have a poor self-concept? I'm leaning more towards the poor self-concept, myself, but to each their own. This realization inspired me to look within myself to truly figure out what is truly going on here. I started praying, reading so many self-help books, and immersing myself in self-important so I could end this cycle for good.

I'm not going to lie to you, I had as much confidence as a limp noodle the majority of my life. I would just compare myself to others, I held on to every negative comment that anyone had ever said to me. It poisoned my mind.

When I would date people, instead of asking myself, "Is this person honoring me, valuing me, and treating me as an equal?" I would ask myself, "How can I be what this person wants me to be?" I would completely abandoned myself. I was so desperate to be loved. I would show endless amounts of affection to these men or try to control the situation through childish "mind games" (emotional manipulation) like maybe if I don't text him back right away, I'll be perceived as mysterious, or I would refused to be the one who cares more, so he better prove it... (It pained me to typed that.. but if we are not cringing, we are not growing.) Even though the relationship I aspire to have is one where: two equals come together and work as a team with a foundation of vulnerability, authenticity, integrity, reciprocity and respect.

Now after having that "real talk" with you, can we take a moment to thank God all of these relationships ended, so I could work on myself... Let's take a moment to appreciate all the people I've dated, who have shaped me into the person I am today and inspired me to take a look within.

This is what I learned on my journey within:

1. In order to receive love from another person we must EMBODY LOVE, we must love, value, cherish, honor, and respect ourselves. How does one do this? Learn what your values are.. Some of mine are embodying authenticity, vulnerability, integrity, compassionate, being someone true to their word, and respectful.

2. Our sense of security is cultivated from within ourselves. If we aspire to find a sense of security or safety in something other than ourselves we are codependently relying on an outside source for our sense of safety.

3. We must learn to love our OWN company, enjoy being alone. Learn about yourself what activities make you happy, what upsets you, what calms you down? "Knowing oneself is the beginning of all wisdom." Aristotle

4. Your relationship you have with yourself sets the tone for every relationship you have in your life. Your perceptions (thoughts and judgements about things) create your reality. For example, if you think, "Men are the worst..." guess what type of behavior you'll notice when you observe men, you guessed it - the negative behaviors.

5. You ATTRACT what YOU ARE. Your thoughts create emotions (because of the stories you have attached to the thoughts), and emotions create energy. MEANING if you have a poor self-concept, you will attract someone with a poor self-concept, even if they are masking it with arrogance. I hate to break it to ya but arrogance is just another form of insecurity... Confidence is quiet, and insecurities are loud. The humble don't stumble, baby.

6. You have ALWAYS BEEN WORTHY the moment you took your first breath. You are VALUABLE and there is no one else like you. Anyone who was unkind to you to intentionally inflict pain on you or make you second guess your worth, realize HURT PEOPLE, HURT PEOPLE. But people are always doing the best they can at their own level of awareness.

7. Regardless of if you aspire to find a romantic connection or not: It's important to fall in love with yourself. You are the prize, the most valuable asset and you can accomplish anything you'd like you just trust yourself. Follow your passions, the things that make you genuinely happy- (when no one else is around.) Yeahhh, do more of that. Maybe it's just me but I always loved people who went against the grain, and could care less about what others thought. BE THAT. Be the BRAVE, BOLD, and BEAUTIFUL YOU.